Why India should be a must visit destination for all

Sometime back I was talking to a South African colleague of mine about Indian culture etc. when he suddenly said to me “So Aashish! Sell me India. Why should I visit India?” I was asked the same thing when dining with her very lovely wife, Veronica. I did the same on a team dinner when I tried to talk a couple of colleagues into coming to India, while being surrounded by a number of SA settled third generation Indians.

I tried to tell them about the great cultural diversity in our land, the myriad variety of foods that we eat, the in-numerous dress languages that we have, literally millions of gods and goddesses that we look (literally) up to, a melee of cultural values living with boardroom antics.

And they seem to have been sold on that. But then I thought, am I really doing a justice to the INCREDIBLENESS THAT IN INDIA (yes in ALL CAPS!!!).

So I ran a search on the net via the Google dev (god) to search why indeed should anyone visit India. Surprisingly, while there was a lot of material on what to visit while visiting India, there wasn’t even a single post on WHY should they be visiting India in the first place?

Having failed in my attempt, I decided to make an effort at penning down a post which might act as a ready reckoner for anyone who is planning to maybe visit India. Maybe I can help tip the scales. Who knows???

So here you go Brian… My top reasons why I feel that India is a must visit for any person (though I myself cannot claim to have seen it all)

Monuments – India has a number of monuments that are a must visit for everyone. Not all of them are historical though. I am sure all would have heard about Taj Mahal (after all it figures in the list of wonders of world). India has myriad such historical monuments such as the Red Fort, Qutub Minar, Ashok Stambh etc. In addition to such monuments, we have a lot many of religious places such as Jama Masjid,Delhi; Golden Temple, Amritsar; Jagannath Puri Temple, Orissa; Akshardham Temple, Delhi and Gujarat. We have a wide variety of forts and palace such as Old Fort,Delhi ; Red Fort,Agra; Hawa Mahal,Jaipur; Jal Mahal,Jaipur; Gingee Fort,Tamil Nadu and what not.

Culture – In India, we love talking about our cultural heritage, our legacy etc… but what exactly does all that encompass? The cultural traits, the way we dress, the way we talk and sing, the way we behave among family and friends changes every so often. In music we have Hindustani Gharana music, Carnatic Music, Ghazals and Folk Music. In textile we have Chikankari, Kanjeevaram Saree, Zardozi and the like. We have several dance forms such as Bharatnatyam, Kathak, Kathakali, Kuchipudi, Manipuri, Mohiniattam, Odissi, not to mention Punjabi Bhangra and what not! Did you know that India has millions of gods and goddesses. Hinduism itself has around 330 million deities.

Food – When you hear people swear by Indian food; it’s not an exaggeration. Visiting India is a culinary delight for vegetarians and an eye opener for meat lovers. I am often asked why I don’t eat non-veg and I simply reply “because I don’t need to with so much vegetarian variety”. That’s not to say that we don’t have sufficient craving for chicken or fish. And the best food in India is the one that is sold on the myriad roadside stalls, and not within the four square walls of a fancy restaurant. On one hand we have a gazillion variety of sweet meats whereas on the other hand we have a range of spicy, taste bud tickling offerings. And worldwide, chicken tikka and tandoori chicken are the words which are just about to get added to the oxford dictionary.

Language – In the land of one billion people, not only do we have dozens of language, we have several dialects within those languages as well. And not like English the Texas way vis-à-vis English the London way. No Sir! We have languages which a person from other territory might not recognize. The languages are as different from each other as apples from orange. Did you know that at resent we have 22 official languages and 398 living languages in India. Unlike other countries, we don’t have a singular language (ofcourse Hindi  and English are our two primary languages to communicate in when we go to a different zone of the country). So when somebody asks me to speak in Indian, I am often stumped as there is no language called “Indian”.

Variety of people – Being in a place like India is as much of an experience as having visited tens of country because the people are simply so different from each other. And yet, despite all this diversity, they still manage to live in a harmony with each other.

While on one hand we have the boasty, garrulous people from Punjab who believe that showing off is the way to communicate with people; on the other hand we have the passive aggressive folks from South India who believe in simple living high thinking. On one hand we have the Bengal folks talking about communist way of life, while we have the shrewd business minded people of Gujarat where even a five year old has a business of his/her own. “Adda” (useless chitchat between friends) of one place becomes “bakar” in another and “gupshup” in yet another. “bhai” (brother) of one place undergoes a range of transformation from “bhaiyya” to “dada” to “virji” to “cheta”. Such is the wide variety that we have!

Delhi – I am including this point specifically because of the fact that I am a bit partial towards my city.... and the fact that it is indeed awesome!!! For those of you who feel that “Slumdog Millionaire” was a reflection on how India is, or are still stuck in India as being the land of snake charmers; a visit to Delhi, the mecca of modern India is a must visit. Being in Delhi is no less than being in the heart of New York or Beijing or Tokyo. You have all the major MNCs of the world with facilities that may surpass even the best of the best.

Natural beauty – The natural beauty of India is at par its global counterparts.

In the northern part of the country we have the valleys of Kashmir dubbed as ‘the Paradise on earth’, for its beautiful valleys, lakes, rivers, peaks and its people and for which Jahangir once said “Its pleasure meadows and enchanting cascades are beyond all description. These are running streams and fountains beyond count. Wherever, the eye reaches, there are vendure and running water. The red rose, the violet and narcissus grow of themselves in the field”. In the south, we have the serene backwaters of Kerala and its majestic beauty which are guaranteed to sooth even the most turbulent of hearts.

Spiritual enthusiasts abode – I feel like the word “spiritual tourism” has been defined with India in mind.Off lately, the spiritual tourism industry seen a tremendous growth especially after the popularization of yoga and traditional Indian remedies and medicines in the western culture.

India offers something for every religion from Hindu to Muslim, from Sikh to Christian to Buddhist. Places like Varanasi, Haridwar, Golden temple are the ideal destination for spiritual seekers. Four “dhams” and nine “devi” of Himachal are a must see for everyone. Ancient Indian scriptures quote such cures and remedies and solutions which are increasingly finding their way in the modern lives now that people are trying to live more in tune with nature. Several western countries have tried and failed at getting patents over traditional use items in India such as turmeric for its medicinal property, Basmati rice etc.

Well that was my 2 cents on this topic. In no way that I believe that I have done justice to the wonder that is India as this is but a mere glimpse of what India has to offer to all. Do let me know as to what you think of this meager attempt to mine to summarize India. All bouquets and brickbats are welcome!!!

Some interesting links here:

1. 10 Must See India Destination
2. Must Visit India
3. 10 Must-See Places in India
4. Tourism in India – Must Visits
5. India's Famous Monuments
6. Languages of India
7. Indian Languages Map
8. 20 Reasons Why You Should Visit India
9. Why to Visit India 

Images courtesy: culturextourism.com, voiceculture.org, allhindugodgoddess.blogspot.com, inventindia.in, wikimedia.org, travel.kashmironline.net, indialine.com, indiamart.com, indianetzone.com, lonelyplanet.com, flickr.com, blog.mapsofindia.com, blog.knowledge-must.com, indianfoodforever.com, southindianfoods.in, restaurantsinnoida.com, weirdasianews.com, go4indya.blogspot.com, bharatonline.com, rahuleink.wordpress.com, thehindu.com, instablogs.com, connaught-place.com

The Big Fat Punjabi Wedding!!!

Of lately, we have had a whole lot of movie focusing on the Sardarji/Punjabi culture in sadda Bollywood. What with movies like Singgh is King, Rocket Singh, Oye Lucky Lucky Oye etc; the quintessential funny sardarji character of the erstwhile cinema has become a full blown protagonist of the movie itself. It is no longer so. Add to that directors like Gurinder Chaddha whose Hinglish movies like Bend it like Bekham, It’s a Wonderful Afterlife and others like Bride and Prejudice and Monsoon Wedding have also brought international focus on the meek, unpretentious community that is the Punjabis.

And it’s not like it’s only in movies that the Punjabi culture is being focused upon. Books like Chetan Bhagat’s 2 states had an extensive focus on this Paneer-tucking-Jewellery-Obsessed community. And the attention is not always good. Look at Khushwant Singh… What kind of impression has he created of the entire community? Anybody who judges the community on the basis of Mr. Singh’s character would think of all the Punjabis as being constituted of perverted old men or Cougars. Which, coming to think of it, might not be all that far from the truth. But, being Indians, we always like to think of things in a non racist way (yah right!).

Hence, this post is my attempt to give a brief description of the community and especially focus on the Punjabi Wedding. Wedding because I believe that the best place where you can observe any person or relationship or community is the way their weddings are conducted. Nowhere else can you observe the typical of any community than in a wedding.

But first a couple of tidbits about the community in general:

1. At the very outset, let me clarify a very common confusion: Punjabi doesn’t mean the Sardarji community. It may, but not necessarily always. “Sardarji” AKA “Sikhs” is a religion whereas “Punjabi” is a culture which may also include non-sardarjis and cut-surds as well.
2. It’s true that they love paneer and chicken. Infact they are what parmal and fish are to Bengalis; sambhar and coconut are to Tams and pav bhaji etc to Mumbaikars. It is, simply said, their staple food. And while sometimes they may get overboard with the whole obsession with the food thing, it is always in the best of intentions. Punjabis don’t feel that the airline food of rice daal or sandwiches comprise “food” unless it comprises of at least two paneer dishes, some paranthas, a curd based accompaniment, Chhole and Rice, and dessert of Halwa or something equally “filling”.
3. People talk about jewellery in terms of sets that they have, sets of earrings, sometimes even silver jewellery (ewww). But that’s not how it’s done here. They don’t deal in just jewellery sets. They talk about kilos of Gold jewellery only. The least that they have to wear on any occasions, irrespective of gender, is a kilo of gold jewellery; at least half of which should “appear” to be genuine diamond studded. And they don’t spare any occasion from this criteria; being fair on that front. Even when they go for mourning, they always wear newly stitched clothes and a not so gaudy kilo of jewellery. And not only that, they also do a noble cause through this you know na. They provide an enormous employment opportunity to the thieves and burglars of the country who would have to indulge in petty pick pocketing, somehow passing their days. They give them an opportunity to lead a comfortable life by robbing one of our brethrens and spending the crore gained thus to spend life comfortably.
4. They are strict believers of social networking. Irrespective of the occasion, they believe that the gathering of influential people should not be wasted and that all the discussions should be commenced whenever all the people have gathered, the long distance communication equipments like phone etc be damned. And no occasion is big or small enough for them. In fact, a whole lot of prospective matches are made while attending various mourning ceremonies.
5. They don’t believe in doing things the way normal people would do. As one of the brand promotions mentions “Live Life. King Size”. Well they do certainly exemplify the brand promotion. They drive amongst the biggest cars available to the mankind. Courtesy M/s DLF, they have had crores with them and hence like to show it. Be it through bigger mansions, tons of gold on every space of their body, gaudy sarees, or through their weddings.
6. And any discussion has to be had around money. Be it real estate or job or diamond sets. The main subject matter doesn’t really matter and can be discussed intertwiningly as long as it is about money itself.

Which brings me to the main point of the posts… The Punjabi Weddings.

Now there are like a gazillion ceremonies in a Punjabi Wedding. I will describe some of them in brief here and a special focus on the actual wedding towards the end.

1. Roka – The first ceremony to ensure that the fickle nature of man and woman doesn’t kick into picture and either party doesn’t change their mind at any later stage. Though rings are not exchanged, the couple stand unofficially engaged after this ceremony. More binding than the debt covenants of the bank. True Story!!!
2. Sagai – When the doomsday agreement is actually signed with the token rings being exchanged. Duration between Sagai and Actual wedding may vary on case to case basis depending on the ugliness quotient of either parties or the wishes of the parents. Needless to say the need to show off plays a big part in all the ceremonies as the venue, people invited, gifts and jewellery exchanged depends on that. Even the gap between wedding and Sagai might also depend on how eager you are to one-up your neighbor’s wedding.
3. Sangeet – When the men and women of the family formally try and express their happiness on the wedding. Kind of like the rudali thing except it is done before wedding. For groom, the idea behind either does not differ. This is a function typically celebrated at both the parties – At the girl’s end for the prospective Bakra and at the boy’s end to welcome the prospective lifelong Fixed Deposit into the family. Of lately, some of the “progressive” families opt for live bands or a disc jockey to churn out one dance track after another as guests shake a leg on the floor. That doesn’t make it any less painful to watch the multiple tires on the “khaate peete ghar ki aunty” gyrating on the floor or the drunken uncle trying to do bhangra on a Michael Jackson number. Just a word of caution for the faint hearted: It is entirely normal if there are sudden bursts of high pitched noise. It is not some ultra high frequency generator, just some over enthusiastic people having decided that the party was a tad bit too quiet for their taste. Also, people have been known to be spontaneously struck by a desire to sing and dance at random numbers without any rhyme or reason. But that’s entirely normal as well.
4. Cocktail – I am not really sure but I don’t think that in any other community or culture would you find a complete occasion devoted to drinking whisky and scotch, the two favorites of most of the “drinking” Punjabis. But then they don’t things the way normally people would do, do they?
5. Mehendi – The last major function before the wedding is the mehendi. Mehendiwallis are called to the respective houses of the boy and girl and they apply mehendi to the palms of the female family members, and the hands and feet of the bride. In some cultures, both boys and girls both have to undergo this ritual; but in Punjabi weddings, it is only the girls who take the cake… Well not literally as their mehendi hands doesn’t permit them to do anything and it is up to the lesser mortals to feed them etc. and everybody want these mehendiwallas to apply a coat or two their claws. It doesn’t matter how hideous the design is or how long they have to wait for the mehendiwalla to get to their hand as long as A) The Family of Bride/Groom ahs spent a lot of MONEY in the process and B) The family insists each and every women present in the household, personally and regardless of their age, to get the hands mehendi-fied.
6. At The Venue – Well at the venue, just imagine that Karan Johar and Suraj Badjatya had a competition to see who can arrange a better wedding, with most people, most food stalls, most activities, hubbub and activity and a lot of gyrating tyre-studded aunties and piss-drunk uncles. Now multiply it by ten times. Only then can you begin to imagine how a Punjabi wedding looks like.

Walking into a Punjabi Wedding is like walking into a multi cultural fair with billions of people, all jostling with each other for space. That’s not to say that the space is less. It just means that so many more people were invited to it. If there were a FaceBook equivalent of a Punjabi Wedding, the minimum friends that anyone would have would be at least in four digits. You see it is an obsession with typical Punjabis to show off as much as they can on such occasions. Hence, even if they will travel by a DTC bus or normal days, they will hire a driver for this day just to make sure that their Biradari (Community) sees that they do have a driver. While on the other days, they will adorn glass bangles and cotton suits or Sarees with fake LV or D&G bags from Karol Bagh Market; the wedding days will force them to bring out the best of their Kundan and Diamond sets and the Kanivaram Sarees or Crepe suits with matching fake LV or D&G bags from Khan Market.

So… walking into such a wedding, the first thing that you would notice, after of course the above mentioned points, is the food. One such wedding that I went to, had ten different cuisines. Not just couple of food stalls but key dishes of various Cuisines. They had like Rajasthani Cuisine, Marwari Cuisine, Punjabi Cuisine, Jain Food, Continental Cuisine and some that I can’t even remember however hard I try to. And that’s just main course. Then there are a dozen stalls for snacks like Chaat and Pav Bhaji and the ubiquitous Golgappas. In fact, comedian Raju Shrivastava once joked about such a wedding place where husband got separated from his wife. So they get in touch on mobile and husband is instructing the wife about his location as “Ok I am at the Golgappa Stand. Where are you? At the Soft Drink Station? So go to your right till the ice cream stall. Turn Right and keep on going till you reach the water dispenser. Walk to left till you reach the Fruit Chaat counter. Just behind the counter is the main hall. Take the shortcut through the main hall to the other end of Dessert counter where I am. OK?”

 Next thing to be focused upon is the sheer number of bright clothes. While ordinary people like you and me would shirk from wearing a fluorescent pink trouser or a Technicolor shirt. But not these folks. No sir. They will wear those monstrosities like they actually believe that it’s something which might pass off as wearable and that they are able to pull it off. But that’s not the only thing. If a non-Punjabi is invited to a Punjabi wedding, he/she will look through their wardrobe and see what’s worth wearing and get it ironed and starched (If at all). Punjabis, on the other hand, will plan for their Biradari wedding the same way one prepares for a major project. Of course, they can’t wear the old clothes because oh my god what would the biradari say? They will buy new clothes for all the above mentioned different occasions.
And of course all the clothes have to be in different color, different designs and in all should combine all the possible cultural variations possible. And it’s not just the women who are so fanatic about wearing new clothes. The men of this tribe are equally finicky about only wearing new clothes on such occasions.

Also, these weddings are like a heaven for thieves and goons. If a normal human thinks of heaven as golden gates and playing harps and muses running around; a goon would be thinking about Punjabi Wedding aunties wearing diamond studded DeBeers jewellery and uncles wearing local jeweler brand bracelets, with fat wallets and even fatter bundle of credit cards and debit cards, Gautier and Rolexes being flashed around.

Another word of caution, never, ever talk to a Punjabi about wealth and status and such things. They have an experience of obsessing with the same day in and day out and that’s not something that an average Joe like you and me can beat. I mean all their lives revolve around these issues. If the neighbor Mr. & Mrs. Arora have kept a Labrador in their home, how can Mrs. Chopra not have at least two Labradors at their home. Doesn’t matter if the husband doesn’t get his clothes ironed, but Mrs. Arora and Mrs. Chopra must have a faceoff between them every night while walking their dog(s). Doesn’t matter if the husband has to cook the food, the dog must be fed “pedigree”. And of course the neighbors would constantly complain to each other about how much the pet is costing them for upkeep. But appearances must always be maintained. Because, you see, at the end of it all; everything boils down to showing off the wealth and how much they spend. Did you just foolishly tell some Punjabi about your son getting a new job? Silly you! Now you must be ready for the follow-up question of how much money does he get. And regardless of what salary or profile you say, the opponent would already have a cousin who gets better money than that for a better profile.

The wedding would typically be carried out in a fashion which would shame even the IPL organizers. This wedding has everything just short of mini-skirt wearing cheerleaders. Though, I am told, that some people are already thinking on that line to provide that extra entertainment to their guests.

I hope that I have been able to share even a fraction of what is truly a delightful community. Regardless of what all I have said, most of the Punjabis are indeed loud, warm people who know how to enjoy their hearts out. And I also hope that, to the uninitiated, this column has been able to introduce them a little bit about a culture which is present not only in India or in Second India (Read Canada), but across the entire world, in whatever form and growing… Fast. Go Punjabis, Go.

Did I somewhere mention that the Punjabis are a simple meek, unpretentious community? Scratch that,

PS: Even though on the basis of family, I am from Himachal. But I guess that having lived all my life in Delhi, I am pretty much wetted in the Punjabi culture. So much so that, bad though I am at it, I confuse Punjabi-speak with Himachali-speak, much to everybody’s amusement. Not mine though.

PPS: All this talk about weddings and all because I am going through that age segment of my life when every other person, hell every person, you meet enquires you about your wedding plans. Hence, try as you might, this would be one subject which would never be too far from your thoughts. And just like normal curve, these queries tend to peak around 24-28 years for a typical Indian male. As fat in this fire is the fact that classmates are marrying left and right and with some of classmates introducing you their children as “Beta uncle ko Namaste bolo!” and sharing antics of their two year toddler drooling all over the floor.

PPPS: An interesting link here.

Images Courtesy: jaipur.olx.in, elizabethannedesigns.com, ktbweddingphotography.co.uk, come2india.org, desinuts.com, culturalindia.net, weddings.iloveindia.com, journey2india.com, images.travelpod.com

What is this obsession with religion?

In a country obsesses with religion, millions of religions, gazillions of Gods and Goddesses and Babas and Gurus (surds and otherwise) and Maulvis, we sure get to see a number of interesting sights. Ever had a chance to pass by a temple early in the morning? Even if a temple is situated in the middle of a densely packed road, people will slow their cars no matter what; bow to the temple from within their cars and then move along, honking for the next person to move faster; blissfully unaware of the fact of having created a jam in their wake. Of course, subsequently every driver will do the same thing and the people would be stuck in the jam; cursing the same gods for their misfortune. Talk about Irony.

In fact I remember an incident that I read somewhere, don’t know if it’s true or not. A family was irritated with people peeing on their walls due to a disadvantageous location of their home. Somebody suggested them to place God image tiles at about 3 feet height all across their boundary walls. And Voilla! Their problem solved.

Image Courtesy: Wikimedia

Animal Behavior

I am sure that most of us must have seen, at least in India, hordes of animals moving along, dropping pieces of crap along the way. Also, we all must have seen our fair share of people throwing their garbage from the window of their moving vehicle. Be it fruit peelings, empty wrappers or other disposable items; people are unwilling of keeping even a single piece of scrap in their car and want to throw it out at the earliest. Me thinks; it is the psychological manifestation of the animal genes in the humans that they behave this way. Since it is impolite to excrement in the public and mandatory to wear clothes in general appearance, again at least in India; people resort to the waste discarding mentality in some alternate manner.

What say you?

We Understand

We Indians are a very compassionate race. We are in fact so compassionate that we often understand the plight of total strangers without them saying anything to us.

So what if we have to stand in a long line because the official who was supposed to have come to office by 10 hasn’t come as yet. The poor guy must be stuck in the jam otherwise he must have been on his seat. It is the damn traffic and rains and potholes and what not, which must have cause the guy to be delayed. Definitely no problem with the guy himself. We understand.

Maid took an off without informing and now cleaning and washing all has to be done by self? Surely she must be in some terrible emergency like a broken nail or for that matter an unbroken sleep which is why she had to take a leave. Sometimes these things happen, you know. Anyways, she doesn’t clean too well either. Good thing that I will do it myself today. Hope she didn’t have much serious problem and hope it get resolved by today. We understand.

Watchman didn’t come to wash the car? And after the last 3 hours in the rain and dug up roads of Delhi, your car is a total mess with bits and pieces of mud and god-knows-what stuck to all parts of car. Doesn’t matter. I anyhow need to burn the extra calories of yesterday’s Chhole Bhature. I might as well clean the car and burn up some calories. After all, once in a while even that poor watch man needs bit of shut-eye and enjoy a well deserved break. We understand.

These things, if faced in a foreign country, would be a source of embarrassment for the officials and immediate and strict actions would be taken to ensure that the same does not occur again. In India, though, it is all a part of day’s work for the inhabitants who have gotten so habituated to such acts of utter callousness that nobody really is concerned much about it.

Ever wondered why do we have that attitude? I feel that it is because we tend to have no expectations from others. And since we don’t have any expectations, we don’t get disappointed when we meet lack of service. Though, this is changing and fast.

On that thought, I also remember an ad campaign sometime back for an innerwear brand where the tagline was something like “Life mein toh bahut adjust karna padta. Shukra hai aapko underwear toh adjust nahin karna padega” (You have to adjust for a lot of things in life. Thankfully you wont have to adjust your undies). Have a look at the video.

Common Man's Bandh

Various parts of India were terribly impacted by the BJP/Left led bandh.

Several offices declared a compensatory off with employees having to come some other day in lieu.

Some schools declared holiday for kids.

Innumerable commuters faced hassles in commuting to and fro from the office. (The smart ones left home at seven in the morning to reach office at eight and left office at seven in the evening thereby avoiding the “pleasure” of meeting the mob)

Patients suffered because they could not receive treatments in time.

Public and private vehicles punctured or man-handled or even set ablaze.

Liters of fuel must have been wasted while the vehicles were stuck in the jams.

The supposed message of “protest” against price rise somehow got lost in this entire charade!!! To an untrained eye, it may seem that the sole purpose of this “protest” was to create as much inconvenience to the general public and an embarrassment to the government. The actual concerns of the public be damned!

And by the way; who did gain from the Bandh? Certainly not the aam aadmi (common man). Did the daily wage earner, on whose behalf the bandh was actually called, get his share of food? Who will compensate the laborers, taxi and auto drivers of the daily wage that they lost today? Will the BJP and the left party be willing to reimburse their wages for the day? So what is the point of such a protest if not to create a political drama for the sake of a few votes?

On the bright side, no traffic jams while coming back home so a smooth drive. But as one of the RJs on a music station said if we can have jam free commute only when we have such "Bandhs", it probably isn't something to be particulalrly happy about!!!

Update: According to various estimates from CII, FICCI, Assocham etc.; the one day Bharat Bandh has been estimated to have costed any thing between Rs 3,000 to 13,000 crore in terms of GDP at factor cost. The worst affected are daily wage earners and people dependent on small trade (Ofcourse!!!)

A Friend in deed

SO, WHAT do you make of the petition to do away with the upper limit of friends a person is allowed to have on Facebook? The current maximum stands at 5,000; go above this number and your account is disabled and you are frozen out of the site. In protest, the more gregarious Facebookers have started an on-line petition to beseech the site's administrators to let them have as many friends as they want. So, those of you who want to `friend' more than 5,000 people know exactly where to sign up. 

As for me, I'm still reeling from the realisation that there are people out there who have 5,000 friends ­ and still want more. I'm not sure I even know 5,000 people, let alone have that number lining up to `friend' me on Facebook. 

In fact, if I add up all the numbers, I would probably be lucky if I reached a thousand, if that. 

Don't get me wrong. I may not be the world's fore- most expert on social media, but I am not a total idiot either. I understand that a friend on Facebook is not really a friend in the traditional sense of the term. Facebook friends can be people who you know very peripherally or maybe not at all. They may include work colleagues, business contacts, friends of friends, com- plete strangers, hell, even cyber stalkers and the like. 

But even so, 5,000 `friends'? You have got to be kid- ding. Of course, if you believe social scientists then the number of friends a person can realistically hope to make is way below this mark. British anthropologist, Robin Dunbar, came up with a magic number: 150. This, according to him, was the number of people any one person can have stable social relationships with. 

Dunbar's number, as it somewhat inevitably came to be called, is based on the size of the neo-cortex of the human brain and the size of communities in hunter- gatherer societies. Dunbar's theory is borne out by recent anecdotal evidence on social networking sites which shows that no matter how many `friends' a person may have ­ 500 or 5,000 ­ meaningful and regu- lar communication is restricted to just around 150 people. Human beings, it would seem, are hardwired to interact within relatively small, well-integrated groups in which most people know each other and have some sort of social link with one another. 

And yet, the moment you sign up for any social networking site, you find all kinds of characters crawling out of the woodwork, asking to be your friend. People you barely said hello to in school or col- lege suddenly want to be `added' to your list. Colleagues whom you haven't seen in years want to link up again. Everyone wants to get back in touch even though there is probably a good reason why you lost touch to begin with. And then, there are the loonies: complete strangers who want to be your friend simply because they like your profile picture. 

My guess is that all those people who already have a few thou- sand people on their `friend' list and are now clamouring to ask for more, simply sign on anyone who sends in a request. After all, social media sites are all about showing off these days, about how well- connected and popular you are. So, as far as friends go, the dictum seems to be: the more the merrier. 

But really, when you think about it, how many people would you call a friend? In my experience, very few people qualify if you are being completely honest with yourself. Few child- hood friends survive the transition to adulthood. If you are very fortunate indeed, you probably still have ten people in your life who knew you as a child. 

College buddies have a slightly better survival rate, but even so you probably aren't in regular touch with more than a dozen. Work colleagues tend to fall off the radar pretty soon once you switch jobs with just a handful making the cut as friends. And few of us know our neighbours well enough to call them acquaintances, leave alone friends. 

In fact, when it comes down to it, there are very few people you can call friends in the real sense of the term. In my book, only those who qualify on the following five counts make the list.

• Someone you can call at two in the morning simply because you are in a blue funk and can't fall asleep.
• Someone you rely on to tell you that your bum does look big in those pair of jeans (and those blonde high- lights really don't work).
• Someone who drops in to see you with a steaming cup of cappuccino/chicken soup when you are at home nursing a cold (and whom you can greet at the door in your pyjamas).
• Someone you would trust to look after your kids if you were to die in a horrible accident.
• Someone you can have a slam-dunk row with ­ name-calling, phone- banging, abuse-shouting, etc. ­ secure in the knowledge that it will make no difference to your relationship. 

Frankly, if you have five people in your life with whom you can do all of the above, you should count yourself lucky.

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Disclaimer:

Read this absolutely wonderful article on Social Networking in Sunday HT Brunch and copy pasting it here... The original rights lie with Seema Goswami.

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Stereotypes – Parents

And here is another one on stereotypes... This time it is the parents who will have to take the flak. The idea came in the form of a friend saying how her parents are not letting her go to a wedding and that got me thinking.

Warning: A long post!!!

OH-MY-CHILD-IS-SO-DELICATE-SO-HE-WONT-DO-ANYTHING: Also known as being very over protective (yes I know hyper exaggeration but these are stereotypes, aren’t they?). They are typical examples of how you SHOULDN’T be with kids. Typical examples can be seen in Bengali household when come cold (which for Bengalis means as soon as temperature falls below 40 deg C) they will take out all their winter clothes, including monkey caps and the works; and force their kids to wear it. I mean it is really a fun sight to watch a Bengali kid all decked up in gloves, muffler, sweater, warmers and monkey cap while all others roam around in T-shirts. And mind you, it is not restricted to the young ones only. Yet another variety comes in the form of parents who won’t let their children have any practical exposure such buying bread, or going to a chemist shop to buy medicine or god forbid if they have to buy the stationary. No. Their kids, they feel, are much too simple to have these dangerous experiences at the tender age of 25 years.

I-LET-MY-CHILD-DO-WHATEVER-THEY-WANT: On the other hand of the spectrum to the over protective parents are the over liberal parents who couldn’t give two hoots about what their child is up to. Most of the parents that fall into this category have loads and loads of money. So whenever their kids want something, they just give them another platinum card with no ceiling just so that they stop bothering their parents. That’s when the various incidents like the BMW-Hit-And-Run cases happen. But hey…the parents still don’t sweat because they have another set of platinum cards just for these purposes and funding the lavish lifestyles of their children. The children, following the examples of their parents, then evolve into two very different categories – One: The likes of Manu Sharma etc who, in the intoxication of their wealth, end up killing one or more people with guns, or BMWs or may even bore the prospects to death with unending talks about what their daddy does or how much money their mommy make. Second: The likes of people who, when have too much money, will spend all of it on high end ecstasy products like meth, cocaine, liquor etc and then die at the age of 25-30 years or drive their BMW over some innocent pedestrians. You get the idea.

SHOWOFFS: These parents take immense pride in whatever their child is doing and never, ever, ever miss an opportunity to one-up the other person when they are talking about their kids. Their sample conversation with other parents having kids in the same age group would be:

“Parents A: Did you know that Arun won a painting competition in the school?
Parents B: In the school? (With disdain written all over their face) Arrey that’s nothing. Our Noni won an inter-school dancing competition this year.
Parents B: (Not wanting to be shown down) I say that’s beginner’s luck. Arun has been winning that for two years now.

Meanwhile Arun and Noni and wailing in the background for their feeder which the ayah then brings to them.”

I-WONT-SHUTUP-TALKING-ABOUT-MY-KIDS: Aka too much proud parents. Did you know that their kid starting walking at the age of 2 years? Did you know that when he was three, he drew a map of India on their drawing room just with his drool? Did you know that he is so healthy that he poops ten times a day? I don’t really care about such parents. It is one thing when the parents actually have something to boast about. It’s another thing when you start obsessing with every breath and sigh of your kid. It gets even more irritating when these start posting each and every such thing on their twitter and facebook networks in addition to detailed visual representations on their blogs and flikr.

I-WONT-SHUTUP-TALKING-ABOUT-MY-NEPHEWS-AND-NIECES: Aka too much proud uncles and aunts. They are a sub-category of the showoffs and not of the too much proud parents. Not having done anything worthwhile in their entire lives, and having children with the talent equivalent of a wooden log, they find contentment in the achievements of their nephews and nieces, however distantly related they may be. Of course, like all the aunts and uncles, they try and act all derogatory in the face of these children just so the kids don’t get any wrong ideas like they are loved by their aunt and uncle or that they are even needed in this world. In the face of the parents of the child they will always, ALWAYS, criticize the parents for the upbringing that they have given to the child. Examples could include instances ranging from child’s drools all over the drawing room wall or his capacity to poop ten times a day to the child being a voracious reader/student. People don't really need much effort to find faults with others. Given any day, their wooden log of a child is always better than other's poop factory.

THE-ARGUMENTATIVE-PARENTS: They are the single biggest pain that any child is inherited with, even including congenital birth defects. These people single handedly, ok not single handedly but with four or more hands amongst themselves (considering any pati, patni aur woh type of cases are involved), are responsible for the destruction of a person’s childhood and emotional scars so deep that grand canyon compares to be a scratch on the surface. Often, it is with parents like these and lack of social development that you get the people belonging to the mentally troubled genre such as psychopaths, stalkers etc.

CRIBBER: The parents in this category have two further sub-categories and in order to do justice to them, it would be better to explain them separately. First category is of the parents who are never satisfied with whatever their child does. Even if the child studies for 25 hours in a day, they will not be satisfied with them. Not only that, they will also crib about the fact that their child doesn’t study “as much as he should” whenever they are around other parents and especially around teachers. They will always want their child to do more. If the child secured 90%, then instead of applauding them of the feat, they will always bugger them about the rest of the 10% and push them to get even higher marks in the future. It is with these parents that the children find themselves falling short of targets set for them and often provokes them for unwarranted extreme actions such as self inflicted injuries for the fear of disappointed their over-expecting parents. It is a different matter altogether that the parents themselves can even spell “SACHET” but they will still expect their children to win every damn thing that comes in to sight. The second category of these parents is the ones who are never satisfied with whatever they have. They will always crib about how costly the education for their child is, how they are barely able to make their expenses meet and how they have to make cut backs just so that their child gets proper education and how self-sacrificial they are. All while they are packing for a trip to Maldives (See they wanted to go to Mauritius but due to their sacrificial nature, they decided to cut back a little and go to Maldives instead).

POSSESSIVE: “Mera beta/beti sirf mere hain” (My son/daughter are mine only). Different from the Over-protective parents, as the category head suggests in itself, these parents are extremely possessive for their children. They themselves may work their children to death, as if in a hurry to depreciate all their net worth in one go; but they can’t tolerate their child even lifting a finger to help anyone else. Ironically, they also want that other’s children should always be willing to help them out in case of any requirement, however small it may be.

COMPARERS: These parents are never satisfied with whatever their child does or however hard he/she is trying. For them, their perfect child would always be some other than their own offspring; perhaps someone from an unknown planet in a galaxy far far away where, as the stereotypes go, he would not be the perfect child for his parents. Come what may, if the child comes to these parents and says “Hey dad! Know What? I scored a perfect 100 in Maths.”; in all probabilities the parents, instead of patting him on the back and giving a warm hug, would instead ask him “What about Rohan? He also got 100 in Maths didn’t he? And to top it all he also got 100 in Science when all you got was a lousy 98. What good are you for?” Of course, it is these parents who, more often than not, end up killing their own children (both metaphorically as well as literally speaking). With such a pressure on the children, the child forgets how to enjoy and instead starts slaving towards better marks or higher achievements to satiate the unquenchable thirst of their parents. This if the child is lucky. If the child is unlucky, the continuous contempt and the disapproving stance of their parents and fear of any activity with which they might end up disappointing their parents often drives them to retaliate against the society and become unconcerned, non-productive members or drive them down the path of death.

CONTROL-FREAKS: You would have heard all about these parents from your friends and secretely all think that their parents belong to this secret cult. Yes… they aaaaaaare the controoooooooooooooool freaks. They like to control each and every aspect of your life such as when you eat, when you sleep, when you wake up and when you work. Their sole purpose in life, other than your “goodwill”, is to be an overbearing presence in your life and be the force that guides all your actions.

CELEBRITY-PARENTS: The likes of BranGelina couple, Sushmita Sen like people who, now that they have gained as much as they could from the conventional media; are now focusing on non-conventional media to get some recognition and/or moolah for them. Then, there are variations of celebrity parents who were (or at least are supposed to be) stars in the iron age and are now planning for a launching pad for their off-spring. Please note that it is forever a launching pad till the offspring themselves become a veteran of the industry and looks for a “launching pad” for their own spawn. Famous for various movies wih their off springs in the lead, they used to be typically found in the Hollywood arena. This, however, has changed now with newer species rearing their heads in places such as cricket and reality shows.

WANNABE-CELEBRITY-PARENTS: Talking about reality shows brings us to our next set of prental stereotypes… wannabes. They are more typically the parents of some B or C or Z grade star who try and hog the limelight as much as they can. Case in point – Rakhi Sawant and his her mother. As the legend goes, Rakhi Sawant was a hard working, dedicated item girl who got into the business of remixed old songs itemized to current flavors to fulfill her obligations towards her brother, her mother and towards her family in general. She was forced to dance and Jejus (Yes. No spelling mistake there and if you have heard Rakhi you know what I mean) knows what all. But at some point, she got disowned/cheated/tortured etc from the family. This was after the BigBossSeason1 era, which incidentally got her a lot of publicity. Subsequently, the BigBossSeason3 era began with Rakhi’s mom coming into limelight and her ruing the spoilt relations in the family. Yet another species of this sub-class of parents are the ones who have their child (however young or old they maybe) participate in one of the umpteen numbers of reality shows on the Idiot Box (Now literally so). These parents then try to get maximum sympathy votes from the junta (in case of public voting) or judges by reciting a prepared script of how bad they have had, how difficult their lives were and how their child is just short of being angelic by reaching this far. They cry and sob, or make allegations over the decisions and try and create limelight for themselves and their child.

PERFECT-PARENTS: I hate to do this to the lot of you but someone has to bust this myth once and for all. THERE ARE NO PERFECT PARENTS!!! Whatever parents there exists; they are always a convoluted concoction of one or more of the above categories. In some parents, one particular traits would be very significantly observable while in others some other traits. Though, all of the traits are present in all of the parents, at all points of time, in however miniscule proportions. Even god Ram could not be a perfect parent… what are we but mere mortals?

PS: From the post, you might have gotten the idea that all BMW owners are bad and are prone to hurt someone or other. But that’s not true. Some are dead and some behind the bars.

Some Tips for Census

This is a general post on increasing awareness amongst people about census. Now this is not a post where I will census is important, support the workers blah blah blah. 

This is a post about important things that one must know about the census and the census workers lest someone gets robbed blind by a bunch of impersonators in a census worker disguise just to get into the house or molesters or any variations thereof. For all you know, they could be con guys, TV guys, or simply sick guys.

• Don’t let anybody walk into your house without checking their identity cards if they say they are census enumerators. Also, they don’t come in groups, only one enumerator will visit your house.
• Don’t give away photocopies of any of your documents like proof of date of birth, residence etc. The enumerator won’t ask for any proof for your responses. If they ask for any documental proof, it most certainly isn’t going into the official records and would probably be used in some other god-forbidden scheme.
• However, since no official proof is being asked for doesn’t mean that you nuts over lying. Don’t be tempted to lie or brag while answering any question. If you use state transport buses to go to your office, don’t tell them you hire AC cabs. The data would never be made public on individual level, so what’s the point?
• It’s true that you could be penalized for refusing to answer a question, and it’s unfortunate that they never consult the civil society over the content of census questionnaire, but some questions are not yet part of the questionnaire.
• Use your common sense before answering, e.g. a census enumerator can surely ask if someone is pregnant in the family, but he or she has no business asking how and where did the member got pregnant. Similarly, they can ask about number of western or Indian toilets, but not whether you take a look at it before you flush.
• Familiarize yourself with the questionnaire. Perhaps no media organization gave you this information (as giving the information out doesn't increase the TRP but a robbed senior citizen couple does, and also provides fuel for future episodes), but here is the link of what a census questionnaire might look like. Try to go through the link.
• Still, if you don’t want to answer a question, you could claim that it hurts your religious or cultural sensitivity. Tell the enumerators that you find the questions provocative and offensive. It works; e.g. it is no longer necessarily for the head of the family to name the female members of his family as it was deemed to be against the customs of some communities.
• When the census interview is over, the enumerators would make a sign outside your residence.

In case of any doubt as to the identity or intentions of the workers, inform the police at the earnest or at least call your neighbors to the rescue.

All said and done, Please realize the just because some government school teachers have had the misfortune of being appointed on the census duty doesn't make them any less human. So whenever any genuine census worker comes to your doorstep, attend them courteously, offer them water and DON'T set you dogs on them or DON'T close door in their face. For the fake ones, you can go ahead and beat the hell out of them... I don't mind.

PS: This, after I read an article here. The article, though written in a humorist manner and makes fun of some aspects and the whole “bust size” thing, is a good read and very informative. I have copy pasted the relevant section of the article and modified as per the tone. I am not the original writer of this article.

Tips for young people to become normal again

Following is a post that i read some place else and i liked it so much that i wanted it. So copying it here. The original can be found here.

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Young people don’t know how good they have it. They live in an increasingly inter-connected, exciting world where Sreesanth is a role model, an iPad is considered useful and Pepsi decides to name an entire country after them. Nonetheless, most young people nowadays are illiterate, pretentious, horny and largely clueless. In short, like Tusshar Kapoor. Thus, here is a list of steps they can take to be considered normal.

Stop using “Ma”: I don’t know if you’re fans of Shashi Kapoor movies, but the next time you use “ma” in your sentence, I will shove your teeth so far up your own fucking ass that even a Japanese whaler’s harpoon won’t go deep enough to be able to fish it out. Seriously, is this some faux attempt at proving your love for your mother or did your priest make you miss grammar classes during kindergarten? The word is “my”. Repeat after me.

“My name is Khan, and I’m a lameass actor”

NOT

“Ma name izz Khan, I’m a rockstarrrrr”

And while we’re on the subject, when did “Killer Shit” and “That’s gangster” become part of the lingo to express approval? What the fuck is killer shit anyway? Do you suffer from advanced colitis? Anal cancer? And gangster? You’re telling me this happened because of Shiney Ahuja’s film of the same name? What time between the release of his movie and raping his maid did he bless us all with this ridiculous verbal concoction? Even Inzamam Ul Haq would cringe at such Anand Jon-ification of the language.

Stop LOLing: If you take a walk down some parks early in the morning, you might come across groups of senior citizens holding their stomachs and making loud gratuitous noises. I want you to observe this act very closely. It’s called LAUGHING. NOT LOLing. LAUGHING. Why the fcuk cant you laugh at a joke? Why do you have to say “LOL” in a conversation? It’s not a chat room where you’re trying to impress a spambot so that it turns the webcam on for you to jack off. I’m standing IN FRONT OF YOU! Don’t you dare bloody LOL me you son of a bitch! If you want to smile, smile! Don’t say tee hee. If you want to laugh, laugh! Because if you don’t I’m going to rip your tongue out, wipe it down Navjot Sidhu’s asscrack and smack you across the face with it like Xena warrior princess. And stop LOLing at your own jokes. If you have to end your own sentence with a LOL, your shit ain’t funny to begin with.

Stop reading Paulo Coelho: When the hell did Paulo Coelho become the must read author to prove your intellectual chops? Is it the graphic love scenes in Eleven Minutes that turn your nuts to momos? Do you think reading “The Alchemist” is a short cut to become a pharmacist? Don’t stick your stupid Facebook and twitter profiles with Paulo Coelho as your favourite author. It just tells me you don’t really read and just bought one at a train station because everyone seemed to have one and you felt more generous than buying a copy of “Who moved my cheese?”

Stop showing me your boxers: Seriously son, pull those freaking pants up. I DON’T want to see your boxers. And I certainly don’t want to see your Grand Canyon cuz I’m sure as hell not Kobe Bryant looking for some practice free throws. I don’t care if you’re wearing Rupa or Jockey’s. I don’t care if it messes with the chain that you’re hanging across the left side of your parachute pants. I also don’t give a flying Jatayu’s patootie whether it messes with your frumpled hair, your goatee, your black t-shirt and finger sleeves. What the fuck are finger sleeves anyway? Were you trying to measure the perfect condom size or are you a professional kite flyer? Pull those goddamn jeans up and stop showing me your hairy lower back before I call the tow truck and get your ass impounded for indecent exposure.

Stop watching Shah Rukh Khan Movies: No. He is not the greatest actor of our generation and will never be. But then again, your probably believe he drives around Mumbai in a Hyundai i10 as well. Stop crying about him feeling bad that Kolkata lost. Stop telling me My Name is Khan was the greatest bloody movie you ever saw. It only goes to show you have the same IQ as girls who scream in the movie hall every time Bobby Deol makes an appearance.

Stop believing what Arundhati Roy says: Seriously, bitch will get you shot. If following socialist hotties is your thing, go with Brinda Karat. The worst that might happen then is you will have no friends left.

Stop giving a fuck about the EPL: I’ve said this before and ill say it again. NO ONE gives a fuck about whether you support Man U or Barca. They’re not YOUR team and their success doesn’t mean that YOU won. No matter how many jersey’s you buy from a trip to Thailand or Palika Bazaar, no matter how many soccer shoes you buy and wear at inappropriate places, NO ONE gives a fuck. Find some other goddamn purpose in life than tweet about players whose names you can’t pronounce and who you’ve only been exposed to in FIFA 2007. And don’t you dare rattle off Fabregas’s statistics if you can’t supplement those with Sunil Chhetri’s either.

Stop pretending to be into hip-hop music: Just because your car has a bass tube and you listen to 50 Cent and Afro Man does not mean you love “Rap music”. Go and learn atleast 7 rhymes of Biggie Smalls or Tupac before I bust a cap in yo ass. Stick to rock, its easier to pull off being a fan of Nirvana.

Stop wearing Che Guevera T-Shirts: If the only thing you know is “he was the dude from Motorcycle Diaries”.

Stop wearing tight t-shirts after gymming: Just because you go to the gym and your bicep increased by half an inch doesn’t mean you start wearing body-hugging nipple busting t-shirts and walking like a scarecrow. And take those fucking sunglasses off. Its 8 in the bloody evening and no one will judge you for walking around with a hooker as arm candy anyway!

Stop putting obscure quotes and pictures as your status messages: Seriously, you’re trying to tell me your low attention span excuse for a hamster’s brain was up reading Dante and Nietzsche? Stop faking and pretending to be an intellectual. We all know you just Google quotes on love, success, friendship to try and make sense of your life and give yourself some comfort when the milkshake hits the desert cooler. And for fucks sake, stop quoting people like the CEO of General Motors and other crazy right-wingers. I know language isn’t your thing, but you might want to check the dictionary for “context”. Also, don’t forget to check “Dumbfuck”. You might find your picture next to Shivraj Patil’s.

Follow these steps, and you will be well on your way to becoming a successful individual, and more importantly, a human being.