Friday, May 14, 2010

BlogAdda WhoDunnit Mystery contest

With reference to the BlogAdda WhoDunnit Mystery contest at (http://blog.blogadda.com/2010/05/12/a-mystery-fiction-contest-whodunnit). Going a bit creative and not with the obvious solution.

The Killer: Actually Lila never died. R and Lila conspired together and killed Sia. Hence the mangled armband and the missing bullet pendant. She could have been killed by the poisoned tea that the second husband fed Lila once and which was probably the one that Lila offered him during the last meet and which could also explain the broken ceramic.

The Object (http://www.pringoo.com/custom-designs/Snake7-cool~and~awesome~saying~and~design/did-14704/mid-3/ppid-79)

Things that bug me


Disclaimer: Another one of the rant posts...

Here I will try and list down things that bug me a lot... If you can empathise with any of them then you are more than welcome to provide some valuable feedback

Hypocrites – Some time back I put my facebook SM as “You drive a Honda Civic, wear a Van Heusen shirt, own a Rolex, use Hugo BOSS and carry a Louis Vuitton bag... AND YET YOU SPIT BEETLE JUICE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!!!”. It would be the same people who would wrinkle their nose at the beggars or people shitting on the railway tracks. Prey tell me do those people have an option? At least you have an option of not spitting on road or chewing beetle leaves. It’s not like you will die if you don’t your daily fix of beetle juice. Worse than these are people who say something and can be seen as actively practicing the exact opposite. So what if you have got some money from Ms. DLF builders? Unfortunately the money has not been able to instill some common sense in you. Instead, if anything, it has made you more of a brazen moron that you already were.

Honkers – Itni bhi kya jaldi hai bhaiyya tumko kahin pahunchane ki? When the ambulance is blaring horn behind you to clear up the road, tab toh you don’t seem to be in such a hurry. And let’s face it… How will a couple or even five to ten minutes really make a difference when you have to drive for another 45 minutes to an hour anyway. Are your senses really so insensitized to the obvious discomfort that you are causing to all the fellow travelers on the road? Or are you so addicted to the noise of blaring horns that you don’t feel “satisfied” until you’ve had some?  What is this urgent need for you to press the horn the moment traffic signal turns green? Is it really that difficult for your tiny brain to comprehend that even though the light has turned green, the vehicles next to you are not operating by magic which would immediately help them disapparate so that YOU can drive comfortably?

India TV – Why is it that all the odd news are reported first, and very often only, on India TV? Be it the “Dilli mein raat ko sariya logon mein ghusta hai” to the sensational stories about pigeons feeling depraved of their regular dose of evening daana while some people went off and got themselves shot at Taj Mumbai. Incidentally, all the news nowadays on all channels, especially on India TV, is “BREAKING NEWS” no matter even if it is being telecast for last two days straight. Let alone the matter that the quality of news across all channels have gone down the drain, India TV is now to the electronic media what Punjab Kesari used to be print media.

SMS Language – It’s alright for someone to use ‘k’ for ok, BRB for ‘Be Right Back’ etc. But why the hell do you have to write complete sentences in SMS speak? Isn’t the SMS language good when you have to convey things in a few words only? Why do you have to complicate things by writing the entire stories in alphanumeric form? Boy am I glad that the SMS language wasn’t invented earlier or else it would have been a real pian in the a** reading ‘The Christmas Carol’ or ‘Harry Potter’ series if it would have been something like “hry sd 2 hmione tht h ws fyn nd rn ws gng 2 schl 2moro” instead of “Harry said to Hermione that he was fine and Ron was going to school tomorrow”. Or worse, if we had Ved Vyasa write the Vedas and Upnishads in SMSese. That would have been something to be afraid of.

The teens of nowadays – Nowhere can you see a more pronounced impact of Ozone layer depletion than in the urban youth of today. I guess it must the extra UV rays reaching the surface of the Earth which must have caused the youth of today to be so dumb f****d piece of art that they are today. They hardly know anything worth knowing but they can very well argue with you over anything. No actually let me rephrase that. They don’t argue. In fact they can’t argue. And not just because they are some peace loving hippy or some followers of Gandhiji. They don’t argue because arguing requires conversation between two parties of almost equal intelligence disagreeing over some issue. In this case, since they are in single digit IQ points so there is no point of equal level of intelligence. And to actually talk about something would entail them having to have some knowledge about world in general. And these two things are almost impossible for today’s youth to achieve. So they end up sulking and talking only to other single digit IQ peers of theirs. Add to this a generous dose their unique fashion sense of wearing clothes ten sizes bigger their size of 5 sizes too small just so that they can flaunt their red jockey underwear (and that holds true for single digit IQs of either sexes). Sprinkle this mixture with the ready cash that they got from their Jat parents who have got ready cash thanks to Ms. DLF builders who have acquired the land around Delhi at gazillions times the price that they deserve. To this concoction, add a dash of the Jat-Indian-Broken English language, accentuated with the SMSese typical of them, that they think they have acquired and are actually proud of. Heat this mixture over the gentle yet scorching hot flame of the ego that these kids have and which is always ready to overflow over the brims of their teensy brains. And VOILLA… you have got an INSTANT RECIPE for DISASTER for the nation which is doomed to be governed by some of these morons in the coming future.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Movie Review - How to Train Your Dragon


All my friends know that I am a big fan of the animation genre. I like watching animation movies like anything. My favorites, till sometime back, used to be Japanese animation movies which were especially good because the characters were so well developed that you would feel as if you know the characters. The movies didn’t use to have all the special effects but the concept in itself was so pulling, and the shades of the characters (with more than occasional shades of gray) so very well defined that the movie in itself would pull the viewers in. Contrasting that with the most of the Hollywood animation movies of six years ago, the plot used to be very simple, predominantly fantasy fiction related (well isn’t that what animation is all about?) and the characters very “linear”. Most of the characters didn’t use to have any moral dilemma and things were pretty much black and white clear. More importantly, the movies used to have a fixed theme… be it the dream of a robot or plans of getting rich quick or some other similar theme. Contrasting it with Japanese movies where more than one concept used to be at work in an environment, and off the beaten track of theme such as androids (Astroboy came pretty late but there were others), Princess Mononoke, Sprited Away etc.

However, off late, Hollywood has also started to create animation wonders which have such wonderful script built into the storyline, and so very well developed characters, and definitely not following the beaten track on themes. Examples can be seen in movies such as WALL-E, UP, 9, Coraline etc. The latest offering which I liked a lot is the movie How to Train Your Dragon.

Over the years, we have all seen a wide variety of dragons in different series be it Eragon or Dragon Heart or something else. But, never has a dragon been portrayed to be in such a cute avatar with feline creatures. And as opposed to the beaten formula of Hollywood, the dragon doesn’t talk neither physically nor telepathically. :D. on the other hand, the awkwardness of protagonist, his earnest desire to be like his elders and his efforts to rise in the eyes of his father, who incidentally is also the clan chief; leave every one reminiscing about the good old days.

I won’t spoil the story for you in case any of you were planning to watch the movie. But if you are planning to, I will say go right ahead and watch this amazing piece of work for an amazing storyline and for it being a wonderful 85 minutes of movie right from the beginning of the movie with a narration from our protagonist Viking (Yes you read it right, A VIKING!), hiccup; till the last moment when all the main characters soar in sky and ending with “Dragons!” right from the moment that hiccup starts describing his world, you feel as if you are a part of the world. In fact, I found this one to be even more engaging that Avatar.

Like all great movies, How To Train Your Dragon has absolutely high quality animation and character development in addition to a generous dose of emotional angle. Not only does the relation between Hiccup and Toothless the dragon have funny and emotional moments; the story also boasts of a touching moments in a father-Son relation that will remind most of their own experiences in similar situations. And of course there is also a love angle, but only just, in the movies seeing as the main protagonist and others around him (except of course the elders) are in their early teens.

But I found the most engaging character of the story to be the Night fury dragon that has been shown in the looks of a panther and with such innocent expressions as befit a cat or a puppy. Rest of the dragons have been picturized in rather exaggerated colors, shapes and sizes.
One other aspect that I really liked was the realistic aspect in the movies. In the end, hiccup loses one of his foot. Now that’s a bit unconventional when it is thought of… but when you fight someone hundre thousand times your size, you are bound to have some injuries (unless of course you are Rajnikath… Then you can beat the big fella without even lifting your pinky and yet come out unruffled).

Of course there are several stories about son seeking approval of their fathers. But that’s not all about this movie, it also about how there are some things so profound that they force you to change your beliefs. How deep emotional relationships heed no boundary. Oooff… that was some heavy stuff wasn’t it?

Anyhow, if nothing else, I recommend you to watch the movie for sheer fun quotient, some really good dialogues and amazing visual appeal.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Bollywood Tambola - My Ranting


Bollywood Tambola…. A dunderhead program which you can watch on NDTV Imagine everyday at around 9 PM is an absolutely wonderful concept. In fact it is a double money making machine for the producers of the show. You get money from the telecom operators on behalf of the morons that call in on the show AND you don’t even have to pay the prize money.

The basic idea behind the program is very simple. The host, a guy trying to do his best to look like a Casanova (or a gal trying to look like a siren, attempting to lure the unwary… only in this case not just sailors but just about everybody), will ask the audience a very simple question about a Bollywood Celebrity and the caller has to just call the given number and “just take away” the money. Nothing could be simpler than this… right?

Well… Wrong. First let me explain a little bit about the game. There are three modes of contacting the host: Firstly, calling through landline; Secondly, calling through mobile; and Thirdly, sending an SMS to the given number. However, try as you might, you can’t call that number from a landline. They give you a code to message through the mobile but they don’t tell you how to send the answer which effectively makes the message just a waste of the money. Then, in the final bid to reach the host, you would have to call that number from mobile being charged something like Rs. 10 per minute… Needless to say that this statement is placed in the finest of fine prints on the screen.

But that is still not the end of the story. You are told that you are actually “A lucky audience” and that “You have reached the Waiting lounge”. The most irksome thing is that you are time and again being told that you are in the waiting lounge whereas the host on the show is not getting any calls at all despite this being such an easy question.

Well the episode I watched figured an eyeshot of a famous Bollywood actress (oops Actor). The person in question was Rani Mukherjee. The host gave a lot of tantalizing hints about the identity such as “Raja ka opposite kya hai”… “Dil bole Hadippa”… “Karan Johar and Shahrukh Khan ki favourite”… and so on.

The host keeps on “trying” to make the deal even more lucrative… Increasing the prize money… Showing more of the face and so on… but what got me is that during the show almost all the names of the actresses were thrown around, just short of getting around to male actors or reaching to Hollywood actors/actresses on the “Bollywood Tambola” :D

In fact, the host(ess) tried to engage the audience with witty verbal banter such as “Mein jaanta(jaanti) hoon ki aap hi sahi answer jaante hain… fir bhi aap mujhe phone kyoon nahin kar rahe hain?” (I know that you know the right answer but why aren’t you calling me yet?) and “inhone toh galat jawab diya but aap jab sahi jawab jaante hain toh phone kyoon nahin karte?” (The guy before gave a wrong answer but you the right answer… why aren’t you calling?) What’s really irksome is that while you are kept on hold, of course you are still lucky to have gotten through the connection the host assures us and the caller is made to listen to the endless waiting call tone, there are absolutely no calls coming into the studio. Almost makes one wonder why are people being kept on hold while no calls are pouring in the studio and still the host is urging more and more people to call the number. Another curious thing that I observed was that all the callers were males and the Bollywood celeb is always female. Curious, isn’t it?

The first time, I spent 30 minutes watching this excuse of a show just to see what would happen when anyone would call in with the right answer. As it happens the entire episode was about this one question where the people called in at intermittent intervals with answers as varied as Deepika Padukone to Ravina Tandon to Celine Jaitley. I mean how difficult can it be to guess an answer as easy as that. The program sure beats the hell out of “Are you smarter than a Fifth grader?” Because the people that were able to get through the waiting lounge didn’t seem like they were. After that I switch the program for a couple of minutes every week just to see if anything is different and I am surprised that it is. The host changes every week… Probably the shame of being on such a show drives them to commit suicide or probably their conscience forced them to do something more worthwhile like, I dunno, watch a spider build its web or contemplate deeply on the theological implications of the dissonance between metaphysical and contemplative world or why and how the space – time continuum is not visible in the existing 3-D analytical framework of the modern mathematics.

And if you think that that’s it for one episode folks at least I will get to know who the celebrity is then you couldn’t be more wrong. The picture is carried over the next day with the whole charade being repeated again.

What I think about this entire episode is that the producers of the show think that the audience are a bunch of fools… anyone could see what was happening on the show. The producers had deliberately set up an easy question on the show to get more and more people to call or message on the number and increase the revenue that the producers collect from the telecom operators. Furthermore, since there was only one question on the entire episode, the number of incoming calls per prize would be maximized so the profits again get increased to the maximum levels. Additionally, all the numbers that called in were kept on hold to further increase the revenue. I strongly suspect that the calls that finally got through must have been from the insider circle of the producers so that they don’t even have to give out the prize money to an outsider; effectively making this all a glorified farce. But then again this is my reading in this scenario judging from the type of calls that were pouring in and the fact the right answer was never given throughout the show, even when almost 80 % of the face was visible.

But what was the most shameful about this entire episode was that such a sham of a program was being aired on an NDTV channel. I might have understood had this show been telecast on some cable channel. But NDTV? That is pure disgraceful.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The ancient art of Bargaining

At the very outset, I will say it “All the Indians are proficient in the subtle art of bargaining”. There. I said it. Period. Doubt it? Please read further as I try to convince you of the same.

Russel Peters says “We Indians are cheap and we are proud to be so. We walk into a store in US and where others would take a look at a Reebok shirt and see if it is worthwhile to buy it from the store; we Indians think of whom we can contact back in Ludhiana to get that shirt from the factory outlet”. Well that’s not verbatim what he said but that’s about the gist of it.

And don’t tell me that you don’t know that. Every time that street hawker has told you that a trinket you fancy is for 20 bucks, as certainly as good wins over evil in a Hindi movie, you have said “Kya baat kar rahe ho bahiayya… Yeh toh 10 rupey ka hai”. And then of course you proceeded to make a bulk deal with him to give the trinket to you at a discount and in turn you will buy two hundred dozens of the same.

And we don’t feel it to be natural that people actually buy things without bargaining. I mean, we really cringe at the very thought that there are some naïve creatures left on the face of the earth, after the phenomenon we know as Indian Population Explosion of the Hindu rate of growth, who may actually have been developing the thoughts of buying the thing at the price quoted buy the vendor at the very same time you were planning your strategy for counter offer to that quote. How very rude! What if some of that being’s naivety had rubbed off you? Your charitra would have been lanchaned forever. You would not have been able to show your black face anywhere. (Well this goes with the typical hindi dialogue of tum apna kaala muhn dikhane ke layak nahin rahi). And well.. hawkers are just one small part. We Indians have perfected the art of bargaining in every face of life. While trying to get an autowallah to go to the destination of your choice in Delhi (or a taxiwallah in Kolkata), a difficult feat in itself seeing as both of them are more interested in passengers who also happen to be going their way; we also find newer and newer avenues for bargaining with them. Going to buy clothing material from market? Of course the shopkeeper has to give you some discount seeing as you have been a loyal customer to them. Now you don’t have to be a regular or anything, you just have to convince him that you are. He won’t know a difference.

A very good incident that I recall from the movie “Outsourced” which very aptly describes the ingrained bargaining nature in the psyche of a typical Indian – A foreigner asks a local sardarji taxiwallah to go to a certain location. The Hindi speaking, non-English speaking driver says 5000 bucks. The English guy agrees to it but still tries to reiterate the location. The driver, Indian that he is, thinks that the English guy is trying to bargain, as the driver is habituated to people bargain over taxi fares, complaining about the prices and brings down it to something like 3500 bucks. The English guy gets confused as to why he has reduced the prices and asks him so. The driver again thinks that the noble art of bargaining is being actively practiced and further reduces the price to around 3000 bucks and ending the transaction with “Bas sir is se kam nahin ho sakta… mere biwi bachhe bhooke mar jayenge” (That is the least that I can go sir. Or else my wife and children would have to go hungry).

Like so many other things that we Indians are good at, , we have even perfected the art of bargaining down to the last frown of the face and even the impact of socio economic classification and the environmental factors in the bargaining and a study on difference in bargaining nature in the Tier I and tier II cities.

This haggling begins with the vendor quoting an obnoxiously high price to you because even he known that you are going to bargain. You feign indignation at the quoted prices with witty and absolutely never before heard remarks like “haan haan bhaiyya kyoon nahin” and “nahin bhaiyya aisse toh nahin chalega”. The key here is to fake it. You are expected to play the role of a helpless victim of the free trade, increasing prices and decreasing incomes, and how you could buy the same thing at a fraction of the price “couple of years back” (a vague phrase). In fact, you are expected to feel insulted by the price quoted. But don’t get too much into the flow and move away. Otherwise you would never be able to buy that thing in a bargain and you would have to buy it at a “proper” retail outlet at MRP (A typical Indian reader is fully expected to experience a shudder at this point). So you stay in the game. You tell him that you are insulted. You tell him to lower his prices or else you will go (FAKE IT but don’t actually go away dummy!). Then the vendor will play his part of doubting your ability to buy that product, trying to hint that the product is too good for you. But don’t take it personally. It is all a part of the game. This Cat-and-mouse-chase may continue for several minutes, the equivalent of corporate lingo which says “We are still in discussion with all the concerned parties and that nothing has been finalized as yet. There are still several factors to be considered”. Then the two parties try to haggle back and forth a bit. Then when a price mutually acceptable to both the parties is reached, and where you think the margin is not too much, the game ends.

So why do we bargain? The scientists at the Baburao Ganpatrao Aapte Institute of Medical Engineering and Management have conducted a research on several test subject and came out with shocking findings. According to their research, the Indians actually enjoy bargaining. Following are some of the key research results:

We “enjoy” it – We try and value bargaining for what it symbolizes and not only for what it means. By dictionary definition, bargaining is a haggling process. But we Indians know that it is actually more than that… it is actually a gentle process of giving and taking, accommodating others etc. Of course the satisfaction of saving that 10 paisse on an article is also a good feeling, even though you are still deciding what to do with those extra 9 flower vases that you had to buy. The gentle feeling of haggling over prices, equivalent to “nonk jhonk” between a couple, is such a great feeling. As a hindi song goes “tera manana mera ruth jaana re… saiyyan dil mein aana re… aake fir na jaana re”.

A secret revolt – Indians have been ruled for long enough time by foreigners. Which is even more ironic now that India is considered a mecca of brainy people, sometimes I wonder how come no one thought earlier about revolting against brits. Anyhow, ruled as we were, we were cheated and deprived of what was our due. That has left deep mental scars deep in our subconscious… so deep that the good for nothing American scientists are trying to find a gene even for that. So this deep mistrust is now manifesting in the form of our distrust on the vendors with the assumption that those useless vendors are trying to cheat us as well. Thus the bargaining is the form of revolt that we people are practicing to get what’s our due.

A part of Psyche – From the moment we are born till the moment we die, we witness countless occasions on which we witness bargaining in action. No occasion, however insignificant or great, is too small or too big for bargaining. When we are born, we witness the hijras (oops I believe gender neutral is the politically correct term here) coming to parents and bargaining for 10 grands and a saari from parents. Of course bargaining kicks into action from that moment onwards and finally those people may be lucky enough to get a couple of hundred bucks. Wedding? That’s the mother of all occasions from bargaining standpoint. With so many occasions ranging from shopping, catering, wedding planners, cleaners to gender neutrals, every stage is a bargainer’s haven. Net impact of all this is that the bargaining nature is ingrained in the psyche of a typical Indian. Hence, in a way of speaking; bargaining completes us.

A great equalizer – India is a great democratic, secular country. We believe in the equality of all human beings within the state on India. We allow for no bias or discrimination on the basis of gender, caste, creed, political affiliation, or ethnic origins. In this way, bargaining is India incarnated. The act of bargaining transcends all virtual or even imaginary boundaries. In India, doesn’t matter an Indian or a foreigner, a Hindu or a Muslim, a male or a female; all are subjected to the same haggling process and all have to follow the same protocol for bargaining.

Bargaining is a great Conversation starter – Imagine a situation where you bought an item. You went to your friend’s home and saw the same item. Now if that item were something that would be sold at MRP only, what fun would it be to discuss it. No imagine that item is something that you get from flea market. Now begins the game of one-upping the other. Who paid less for that item than other? Whose product has better finish than other?

And the less said about the level to which we can go to for bargaining, the better it is. Let’s just say that it is enough to put even Ekta Kapoor to shame. And trust me… that would mean reallllly something as it would take a lot to put her to shame.

After all where would the fun of shopping be if all that we had to buy would be available in a store near you at a fixed MRP. Would be rather not go to Big Bazaar or its contemporaries and shop there? But then what would happen to the livelihood of the lot of traders in Karol Bagh, and Chawri Bazaars and the likes. In fact, we should be proud that we are in fact helping in providing means for such a large population to sustain themselves.

Were it not so, the entire world would be a one large BuyNLarge (aka WALL-E). And we know what that led to, didn’t we?

Some good links on the same topic :D 

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